On March 27, at the first Paper Machete since the passage of the Health Care Reform Bill, Ali Weiss read the following.

For those of us who wanted it, Health Care Reform is now officially: SO last week. We had the dramatic Sunday, the emotional Wednesday, the plot-twist on Thursday. By yesterday morning, Obama was staring out from the cover of the NY Times with a shit-eating grin on his face, holding up Rove and Romney’s books like a big game hunter. The implied caption was, as it always is, “Everyone chill the fuck out.”

But for those of our fellow Americans who didn’t want this thing to pass, it is, as they say, far from over. And a little bit scary.

Palin has dusted off McCain to take the old act back on the road. On Tuesday, she tweeted: “Don’t Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!” Pls see my Facebook page.”

On her Facebook page she’s got a map showing crosshairs over every state with a House Democrat up for re-election. Her minions, the Tea Party Patriots, make message board comments like: “GM stands for government motors, well I had a Chrysler and it was junk just like the government healthcare!!” And “ I do not want to be RULED in the USA!!!!”

We’re never going to convince what James Carville calls “vile two-bit wing-nuts” any differently. People with vested financial and political interest will continue to ignite fear, and so forth.

So, how do we make the Teabaggers stop worrying and love reform?

Not by quoting the “truth” about the bill. That begs for a “hell no!” and much more exciting lies.

Not by making analogies about libraries and mandated auto insurance. That will only spark counter-analogies like the C-word, Canada, and in some circles the H word, which we know.

And certainly not by telling sob stories. Seriously, shut your stereotypical bleeding heart liberal mouth. At Town Hall Meetings last summer, I repeatedly heard: Big business helps us, we help ourselves, anyone else can go suck it.

One man told me: “We can’t tell insurance companies what to do. That’s socialism!” (Do you think they have your best interests in mind?) “We need big business strong, to create jobs!” (Where do you get your health insurance?) “My labor union.”

A high school kid said: “When my father got injured he lost everything. That’s the way it is. He worked his way out of it and I’ll be damned if our money goes to helping anyone else not willing to work too!”

And, most to the point, one woman screamed in my face: “Healthcare is a privilege, honey, not a right!”

You’re not gonna change those minds.

So, how DO we make the Teabaggers stop worrying and love reform?  Perhaps, and just perhaps, it’s by sounding exactly like them.

What would the Teabagger sound like if the Palins and the Limbaughs and the Becks of the world taught them to love healthcare reform? Could perfectly decent values, like personal freedoms, responsible spending and self-help, actually be spinned to sound pro-reform?

Let’s try it. In support of the individual mandate, deemed unconstitutional in Tea Party rhetoric, employ the No Free Lunch argument, sprinkle in contempt for the poor, and add hatred of college-educated artists to taste.

Here’s how it might sound:

Fucking Chloe down at the shop took the day off again. Another headache. Calls up talking about her goddam acupuncturist. “Oh, no, no, no, I don’t belieeeeve in medicine for migraines they’re the body’s little way of telling us there’s a problem, you don’t want to numb them out”. I’ll numb you out you self-entitled little bitch, stop spending money on body art and get your ass to a DOCTOR!!!!

I know it’s a small business but I work a second job in an office down in the loop so I can pay the 300 bucks a month for my own individual plan, and THEY WON’T EVEN COVER MY VAGINA!!!! That’s cause of when my bike messenger boyfriend gave me genital warts. And it costs 563 bucks without coverage to buy the cream that SLOWLY BURNS THEM OFF!!!!

So I’m squirming around in my desk chair cause I don’t get any PTO as a part-timer, and he goes and slams his fixed-gear Schwinn into one of them runaway Priuses down under the 90/94 overpass!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he hasn’t met the 7,000 dollar deductible in his crappy plan so they won’t pay to SEW UP HIS CHIN, and I gotta cover for Chloe while he sits in County for 8 hours behind a line of gang bangers getting their bullets removed FOR FREE on MY FUCKIN DIME!!!!!

He texted me from triage about some teenaged pregnant bitch with a PSP, which I probably bought for her too after whoever STOLE it for her passed the cost of inventory shrinkage onto the PAYING PUBLIC!!!!!

Yet because my boyfriend has a fuckin CASH MONEY JOB, he’s just not quite destitute enough to get a HANDOUT to cover the fifteen hundred bucks in bills we got from THREE DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS IN THAT HOSPITAL!!!!!

So he’s out biking with a fresh set of stitches, I can barely sit down, Chloe’s a walking time bomb cause I guarantee she walks the streets of Bucktown seeing nothing but SPOTS OF LIGHT, the gang bangers owe NOTHIN, and the expectant mom’s too busy keeping her SIMS alive to LIFT A GODDAM BROOM!!!!!

You know what there oughtta be????? YOU KNOW WHAT THERE OUGHTTA BE??!?!?!!!!! There oughtta be a goddam LAW!!!!! Says everybody in this country, who LOVES THEIR FREEDOM, has to GET THEIR OWN GODDAM HEALTH INSURANCE!!! AN INDIVIDUAL MANDATE!!!

I am tired of SHOULDERING THE LOAD for the lazy little leaches of society!!!! It’s time all those shitheads CHIPPED IN!!! And then MY costs will start to go down!!!! ANYONE WHO’S EVER JOINED A SAM’S CLUB KNOWS HOW IT WORKS!!!

This is just an example, of course. You can substitute at will. But the general idea is to sound exactly what a Teabagger might sound like if Fox News had taught them the HCR bill was “good.”

A few other quick tips before I go: When undercutting Palin, don’t be afraid to ooze with misogyny. They did it to Hill. We were too delicate. Get her in the crosshairs!

And um, as far as the Teabagger’s blind love and trust of rich people and corporate interests? That’s a hard one to overcome.

But there is one way to turn any “vile two-bit wing-nut” against rich people. Say the health insurance companies are run by Jews. Is it true? I have no idea. But does it fit into the current rules of engagement? You betcha.