On March 20, 2010, in the wake of Seinfeld’s newly-launched NBC series, The Marriage Ref, Steve Heisler read the following at The Paper Machete.
May 14, 1998: A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld ends Seinfeld’s nine
season run with the selfest of referential episodes, drawing 79
million viewers. Nothing happens, and some people are so distraught,
they sling anti-Seinfeld bile on what is known at the time as a
“message board.” Meanwhile, in the future, Bill O’Reilly claims in
2008 that a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld and cocreator Larry
David were so cynical they, “tanked the final episode on purpose.” I,
however, forgot most of what happened in that episode until I read the
synopsis online just now.
June 25, 1998: A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld meets Jessica Sklar
at the Reebok Sports Club—which is what non fancy boys might call the
gym. Seinfeld was perpetually single, having previously dated one of
the writers on his show and a high school student, when he was in his
late thirties. Sklar, on the other hand, had just returned from a
three week honeymoon in Italy with her husband. 18 months later, she
and a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld are married.
March 31, 1999: A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld contributes $1,000
to the 2000 presidential campaign of George W. Bush.
January 1, 2001: Ted L. Nancy releases Letters From A Nut, in which
the aforementioned “nut” writes hilarious letters to famous people
pretending to be a nut. November 25, 2004: Ed Broth releases Stories
From A Moron, in which the aforementioned “moron” writes hilarious
letters to famous magazines pretending to be a moron. Neither author
is ever seen publicly and both books contain a foreword penned by a
cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld, leading many to believe that a
cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld is pretending to be two people other
than a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld.
March 30, 2004: A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld is interviewed on
The Today Show alongside an animated Superman, to promote a series of
webisodes advertising American Express.
November 18, 2004: The puffy shirt worn by a cushy yet cocksure Jerry
Seinfeld in Seinfeld is donated to the Smithsonian Institute—a place
dedicated to, in the words of James Smithsonian himself, “the increase
and diffusion of knowledge.” A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld is in
attendance, and demonstrating his knack for saying what everyone is
thinking, remarks, “This is the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
November 2, 2007: Despite impressing comedy fans all over the globe
back in 1998 with his decision to get back to his stand-up comedy
roots and not do films, a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld does a
film. It’s called Bee Movie, a movie about CGI bees that a cushy yet
cocksure Jerry Seinfeld purportedly sold to a prone to bad decisions
Steven Spielberg with just the title. A cushy yet cocksure Jerry
Seinfeld fittingly voices the lead bee, who just graduated from
college. The film receives a mixed bag of bee-related puns, including
one gem from NPR: “A-pollen-ly personal.” Meanwhile, in the past, a
cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld promotes Bee Movie by dressing up
like a bee, talking to Kanye West, and jumping off the roof of a
building at the Cannes Film Fest. He also appears in the season
premiere of 30 Rock, donning a wig to make him look more like he did
in Seinfeld, and at one point literally turning to the camera and
plugging Bee Movie as directly as possible. NBC follows up by airing
22 short skits depicting the quote-unquote “writers room” and starring
a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld. A cushy yet cocksure Jerry
Seinfeld embarks on a whirlwind press tour.
October 8, 2007: Amidst aforementioned press tour, I interview a cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld, in person, for 20 minutes. I begin the interview by handing him some baklava, which I ran out to purchase after seeing a few preview clips of the movie, with all the honey flowing, and the dripping, and the yellow. A cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld eats my baklava, which all euphemisms aside, is exactly what it sounds like. I find him cushy, yet cocksure, casually demeaning like my much older cousin. I ask him how much money he has in his pockets, and consider the interview a defining moment in my journalism career even though I already predict the movie sucking. Meanwhile, in the future, it does.
September 6, 2008: Those weird ads with Bill Gates and a cushy yet
cocksure Jerry Seinfeld air, shilling for that immortal, flawless
product Windows Vista.
February 28, 2010: After the Winter Olympics closing ceremonies, a
cushy yet cocksure Jerry Seinfeld debuts The Marriage Ref—a show where
celebrities watch footage of middle America couples having arguments,
make fun of them in an attempt to sway host/professional ref/chronic
leaner Tom Papa in his decision; then those couples are brought up on
screen and told the results as they wait on the edge of their seats,
eager to hear what Zeus-like directives a cushy yet cocksure Jerry
Seinfeld and his cushy yet cocksure pals up on Olympus are about to
dole out like a lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt. I
watch in horror as the man who I once thought spoke directly to me
about nothing speaks now to no one about everything that is dumb, and
stupid…dumb. I wonder aloud, “Does Jerry Seinfeld disappoint himself?”
